There’s a fungus among us! Well, more like… fungi? Believe me, the only fun guys you need to pay attention to are Matt and Jason as they don the evil sunglasses and hack up the Japanese language with their culinary commentary on the 1963 release of Attack of the Mushroom People. Let your handsome hosts shoot spores all over you in the form of film background, funny crimes, the Shipwheel Cult, Japanese Gilligan’s Island, Matt the Yacht Rock Captain, the loss of humanity, hallucinogenic experiences, Reverse Geisha, exciting slave trader careers, Jason’s anti-Gamera rant and other bulbous banter. Now, go on. Give it a lick. It’ll make you feel good.
Great Cushing’s ghost, Matt and Jason are seeing DOUBLE! But this time, it’s not the booze. It’s the blood-soaked bosoms belonging to the Twins of Evil. Become a servant of the Devil as your handsome hosts travel back to 1971 to bring you movie details, unintentionally filthy names, Matt’s twin-dating experience, the Mammo-cam, more teens and their sex and drug riots, Jason’s like for lackeys, polite groping, buying hookers when you’re old, the Pubic Hair song, and lots and lots of the ol’ Kensington Gore. May you find mercy at the seat of our Dark Lord.
And now, Terror Fiends, we’re going to give you the greatest thing your ears have ever beheld! The Eighth Wonder of the World… Matt and Jason’s commentary on the 1976 remake of King Kong. But don’t be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen. It’s all money and adventure and fame for your handsome hosts as they unchain movie background, comparisons to the original film, mime hatred, Jason’s new porno name, no one liking Grodin, Matt’s chloroform memories, sexual smorgasbords, the whiskey spit take, perceived racism, King Kong: 9/11 terrorist, and other ceremony spoilers. So, everybody on deck! We’re going on a crazy voyage.
Beauty might have killed the beast but there is no way to shackle down and tame this episode of Terror Transmission. Matt and Jason are liquored up and ready to take you on a grim expedition through the dense jungle of Skull Island for their captive commentary on 1933’s King Kong. You might not get the damsel in distress but you’ll get plenty of film facts, conservationism, Jesus and his dinosaur fetish, Matt’s dream “yacht rock” outfit, perfect areolas, the Official Terror Transmission Ebola Charity Donation Fund, swimming seamen, child-coddling / gender-neutral / everyone’s-a-winner / anti-boy magazine ideas, fake prehistoric animals, wealth vs. sex, the muscle baby cameo, a brief history of giant monsters in film and other gorilla tactics. Holy mackerel! What a show!
SCREAM! Scream with everything you’ve got! Scream as your handsome hosts put a strange creature inside you known as the 1959 release of The Tingler. Sure, it’s an ugly and dangerous thing, but stick around and don’t panic as Matt and Jason bring you movie commentary, the perfection of mute girlfriends, made-up sexy sitcoms, the “coming” of the lord, LSD experimentation, the insensitivity of your hosts, trusting in doctors, the things Hitler didn’t ruin and other frightening shocks. So, make sure to scream at the right time. It might just save your life.
“What kind of a place did you say this was?” It is a house of pain wherein your handsome hosts make… things. Things! Great big commentary things, like this one for 1932’s Island of Lost Souls. Strand yourself in this doomed locale as Matt and Jason perform their curious ceremony of film background, promoting the beast in Man, learning mammary euphemisms from Jason’s son, flossing with nipple hair, Matt’s view on Mormons, burning down your own neighborhood in protest, junkies in Burlington and other great achievements. Are you not terror fiends?
If you forgot what terror was like… it’s back. Your handsome hosts have returned to the beach, luring you into the water with their consuming commentary on 1975’s Jaws. So, before you go swimming, enjoy the clear skies and gentle surf as Matt and Jason go overboard for movie facts, Hollywood conspiracies, how new movies suck, why Matt doesn’t swim, bad nautical puns, the inevitability of nature, hippie naiveté, plus musings about Monster Bash 2014 and other floating bloody chum. So, if you want to stay alive, then ante up. We need the booze money.
It’s possible that, by drinking heavily and watching this movie, your handsome hosts might have summoned demons who used to rule the universe to come and take over the world. So spin your metal albums backwards and join Matt and Jason in the fires of their own hideous commentary on 1987’s The Gate. It’s an enjoyable descent into film facts, heavy metal memories, Matt’s VHS capers, the weird kid in the corner, childhood movie crushes, purple camels, rooster hairdos, backmasking, psychedelic ejaculate, undead Harryhausen and other “touching” moments. Just make sure you’ve launched your rockets at the end. That’s the best!
From the diary of Terror Transmission: First of April, 2014. At last, our long journey of drunken debauchery has come to this, the cryptacular commentary on 1958’s Horror of Dracula. Have yourself some wine because you’ll need it as you enter the castle vaults for our “arguably” best movie background, the seductive vampire, stealing gothic home furnishings, Jason’s Doris Day hatred, the limitations of being leading men, Matt’s love of Lisas, Codename: Hummus, vampire wish lists, cross-pollenating mediocrity and other unspeakable evils. It only remains for you now to await the daylight hours. Until then, sleep well, Terror Fiends.
You cannot escape destiny by running away. It lies in the shadows, pale and ravenous, beckoning you to darkly embrace this commentary on 1922’s Nosferatu. Stretch out your neck and anticipate the bite of film facts, the Land of Pens, the implications of “Schatten”, those pesky Allied Forces, Jason’s dog tracking adventure, gay Hollywood, the shock of prohibition, Jurgen the computer hoarder, landlubbers and, let us not forget, the SHEKEL MESSIAH! So, feel free to listen in. But, it will cost you sweat and tears, and perhaps… a little blood.